Dear Wannabe Employee,

By Hucky Austin

I know that in your mind you think you are the perfect fit for Tiger Media International. However, you failed to mention what you are applying for; was it the custodian, the receptionist or the security position?

By the way, my name is spelled “Thompson” and since I am a female, I was a little put off by the fact that you addressed me as “Mr. Terry Thomsen.” I suppose my first name threw you off. I suppose somebody didn’t do their research prior to submitting their materials.

Speaking of research, you mentioned that you “love to work with animals.” Our business, Tiger Media International, is a public relations marketing firm. No tigers. Or lions. Or bears.

Oh my.

By the time I got to the end of your resume (all six pages, 10-point Frenchy Script) I understood that you were interested in the Executive Security position which was posted online. In that advertisement, I specifically requested that only individuals who speak and write fluent Spanish submit a resume. While your cover letter started with the greeting “Ola” and you sprinkled in words like “caliente” (3 times) and closed with “muchos gracias,” nowhere on your resume does it indicate that you actually speak Spanish.

Your resume painted quite a detailed portrait of you. Who knew a child could make that much in lemonade sales? And the three months you worked at Taco Gringo in 1998; you seem to feel that experience relates to this job. I can’t see it. But I’m glad you can. Oh, wait. Does that have something to do with speaking Spanish?

The job advertisement indicated that 50% of the job would require international travel, accompanying our top executive on business trips. It appears you don’t have a passport, have never negotiated an airport with a VIP, speak any foreign languages, or are even available to travel. I noticed your cover letter didn’t address this important job requirement, or how you felt about it.

Also, as stated in the ad, 25% of the position requires budget and expense reporting using Microsoft Excel. I suspect you don’t use a computer (hence, the hand-printed cover letter) because your resume didn’t indicate any computer skills or knowledge of software. The last 25% of the job is comprised of driving VIPs to and from stockholder meetings, corporate dinners and social engagements. Shall I guess that you don’t have a driver’s license? Or that your driving record is less than spotless? I’m shooting in the dark here . . . no pun intended.

I see that you studied at Omniscient Bodyguard/Spy Academy. I have not heard of this training facility, but after making a few calls to colleagues in the field, I have learned that it is an online course that costs thousands of dollars and the principals have been indicted for fraudulent practices.

I can appreciate that you find your qualifications to be superior, and the fact that you will accept “nothing less than $60K” certainly speaks to your strong (if misguided) sense of worth.

I regret to inform you that we will not be in need of your services at this time. Or any other time. Ever.

Sincerely,

Ms. Terry Thompson
Human Resources

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The above letter is meant to help readers to understand the myriad of mistakes and omissions an applicant can make when submitting a cover letter and resume. How many mistakes can you spot? Have you made some of these same errors?