Welcome to the Shady Brook Retirement Home for Bodyguards. We are very pleased that you are here and are confident that your stay with us will be a pleasurable one. We recommend that you take a few moments to familiarize yourself with our rules and regulations, as this information will certainly enhance your experience at the facility.
1. Bulletproof vests are prohibited to be worn over your issued retirement home clothing and gowns.
2. Wheelchairs shall not be utilized to form mock motorcades anywhere on the facility.
3. Earpieces for the hearing impaired may be worn, however radio communication devices are not allowed as they may cause interference to pacemakers, ECG machines and other medical equipment at the facility.
4. Sunglasses may be worn upon sunrise and must be taken off at sunset daily.
5. The nursing staff should be addressed as “nurse” and not Ms. Marron or Ms. Houston.
6. Walkers, canes and wheelchairs are prohibited to be utilized as improvised weapons.
7. None of the retirement home staff members seek the services of a bodyguard, please reframe from enquiring.
8. The doctors, nurses and facility staff members are here for your physical wellbeing and do not require bodyguard training, please reframe from enquiring.
9. When filling out required medication forms you must provide your true name. The names Kevin Costner and Frank Farmer are not permitted.
10. Reframe from playing the soundtrack of The Bodyguard loudly after 1900 hours as some of your ‘teammates’ at the facility may be sleeping.
11. Uncooperative behavior will result in losing your movie privileges of watching reruns of The Bodyguard.
12. We hope you enjoy your stay and want to thank you for choosing the Shady Brook Retirement Home for Bodyguards. Keep Safe and God speed.